10 dating rules

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godlike__insanity
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10 dating rules

Post by godlike__insanity » Tue Jul 31, 2007 3:58 pm

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
"It's not the great who are strong, it's the strong who are great!"

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Rickshaw
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Re: 10 dating rules

Post by Rickshaw » Tue Jul 31, 2007 5:43 pm

godlike__insanity wrote:10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
I did this for homecoming one year when it was raining. Her dad was pissed and wet after he walked outside and told me never to honk my horn at his house again, but I was comfortably dry :D
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Post by Gabriel » Wed Aug 01, 2007 6:37 am

thats...RLY bad.....and im never comin near your daughter in a radius of 10 miles... :lol:
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Post by smantie » Wed Aug 01, 2007 3:01 pm

AMEN to fathers.

As much as a teenage male has got to hate them, you've really gotta respect them.
Go Alucard, go go Go!

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Re: 10 dating rules

Post by Captain_Obvious » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:14 am

Rickshaw wrote: I did this for homecoming one year when it was raining. Her dad was pissed and wet after he walked outside and told me never to honk my horn at his house again, but I was comfortably dry :D
That's what a cell phone is for!!
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Post by PHatHome666 » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:14 pm

Nah that can't be the use for cell phones, CO...
I think the purpose of cell phones are to call CO when he is at a movie and when its late at night.
Wait... what?
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Post by Captain_Obvious » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:38 pm

you guys are bastards. :roflmao:
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Post by smantie » Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:05 pm

By the way, CO's cell phone number is 760 500 7380. I'm not even joking about it.
Go Alucard, go go Go!

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Post by special_Kare » Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:36 am

rofl that is not his number!
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Post by Captain_Obvious » Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:00 am

fucker. now everyone is going to call me.

:roflmao:
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Post by smantie » Sun Aug 05, 2007 9:44 pm

special_Kare wrote:rofl that is not his number!

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW??? BECAUSE YOU ARE CALLING HIM ALL THE TIME AND HAVING GAY PHONE SEX???
Go Alucard, go go Go!

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Post by LD8242 » Mon Aug 06, 2007 3:33 am

:roflmao:
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Post by pinkbandit » Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:19 pm

smantie wrote:
special_Kare wrote:rofl that is not his number!

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW??? BECAUSE YOU ARE CALLING HIM ALL THE TIME AND HAVING GAY PHONE SEX???
:shock: And you're only jealous because you wish you were! :roflmao: :P :wink:
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Post by special_Kare » Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:20 pm

spicy
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Post by smantie » Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:08 am

pinkbandit wrote: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW??? BECAUSE YOU ARE CALLING HIM ALL THE TIME AND HAVING GAY PHONE SEX???
:shock: And you're only jealous because you wish you were! :roflmao: :P :wink:[/quote]


For your information, I could have phone sex with CO any time I want to.
Go Alucard, go go Go!

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Post by PHatHome666 » Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:11 am

ok then do it now... and record it so we have an actual record of CO's voice
Wait... what?
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Post by pinkbandit » Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:11 am

smantie wrote:
pinkbandit wrote: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW??? BECAUSE YOU ARE CALLING HIM ALL THE TIME AND HAVING GAY PHONE SEX???
:shock: And you're only jealous because you wish you were! :roflmao: :P :wink:

For your information, I could have phone sex with CO any time I want to.[/quote]

:shock: Sure! :P
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Post by godlike__insanity » Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:40 pm

is it just me or is this post off topic? :?
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Post by pinkbandit » Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:04 pm

:lol: Don't they all go that way? :P
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Post by godlike__insanity » Sat Aug 11, 2007 8:52 am

"It's not the great who are strong, it's the strong who are great!"

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