The Cap'n Came Back!

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Captain_Obvious
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The Cap'n Came Back!

Post by Captain_Obvious » Sat May 20, 2006 6:39 am

Hi all,

It's me, Captain Obvious. You might know me as the {qoou} Champion of Insta Jailbreak.

Twelve long days ago, I was playing UT peacefully by myself, when suddenly I was swallowed whole by a creature resembling the Mon Calamari.

"It's a trap!" I cried, as the creature devoured me.

But it was too late. I spent long hours inside my captor's wretched belly, slowly being digested. I managed to stay alive by feeding on tiny bits of squid which it had swallowed. I also fashioned a small hammock out of the creature's intestines and stomach lining.

I passed the time by watching the first four seasons of 24 on DVD, but to my astonishment, shortly after doing so I realized that four days had passed, and I should probably start thinking of a way to get out. It was then that I remembered that I always play UT with a lightsaber attached to my belt. (in preparation for the unlikely event that I might ever be swallowed by the Mon Calamari.) I pulled out my trusty saber and used it to cut through the belly, killing the beast, and allowing me to crawl to freedom. But now I had a new problem. I was trapped inside some sort of ice cave, with no way to get out. Having no other choice, I climbed back inside the Mon Calimari's warm body in hopes that I could preserve my body temperature.

About 3 minutes later, a friend of mine opened the ice cave door to grab a beer. He asked me what the hell I was doing in there and what was with the dead Mon Calamari, so I told him the whole story, after which he closed the door and went on his way. I had to find a way out of this ice cave.

After watching some more 24, I remembered the light saber, and got to work cutting my way through the cave. Unfortunately while turning it on, I had the saber pointed the wrong way and I impaled myself.

I died in that ice cave, but no less than 4 minutes later, I found myself sitting at the side of Jesus Christ - the one and only. I asked Jesus, "Jesus, why did I have to die like this? I was supposed to go out in a fiery crash while cruising at 120 mph in my RSX."

Jesus replied "Ahhh yes my son. That's how I died, but I had my people change the story to make me sound more humble."

"But Jesus, after you died, you rose from the dead. How can I be like you, Aslan, and Samara from The Ring, so that I may too rise from the dead?"

"Alas, it is not that simple my son. The only way for you to rise from the dead is to put the testicles of a newt into Megor's drink when he's not looking, and get him to drink it. Here... I always carry newt testicles in my back pocket... don't ask why."

After Jesus handed me the newt balls, I reconnected to Earth, and typed 'ghost' into the console, allowing me to fly down to Megor's house. I carefully placed the testicles into Megor's nightly White Zinfandel, and Jesus and I watched with joy as Megor sloshed them around in his mouth with a grin on his face, unaware of the horror that awaited his stomach.

Jesus and I high fived each other, and we both started to walk away from each other. Then Jesus suddenly turned around and said "Hey kid. Thanks." and he proceeded to toss me a folded up piece of paper.


Later that day, I woke up in the hospital. Rickshaw was there. He explained that I had eaten too much Peyote, that I'd locked myself in the freezer, and that I'd pulled an entire catfish over my head, & scrawled the letters 'AA' into it.

I was amazed. "So you mean I was high on peyote that whole time?!?" I yelled. "You mean that Jesus, the Mon Calamari, ice caves, and 24 on DVD are all fake?!?"

"That's right" said Rickshaw. "Boy were you wasted."

As I left the hospital and headed back home, reality sunk in. My entire adventure was just my crazy imagination at work. Boy was I sad.

I was about to eat more peyote to forget about my troubles, when I noticed an enormous bulge in my pocket. It was my penis. But then I remembered the folded up paper that Jesus had tossed me. I quickly pulled the note out of my other pocket, unfolded it, and began to read...

"Hey CO. I made up the whole newt testicle thing, I just wanted to get back at Megor for tower sniping and then running back to get more health every time I delivered him 3 damage. I really just brought you back to life because Admiral Awesome is a total douche. ~ Love, Jesus"

The End.
You and the Cap'n make it happen!

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Post by special_Kare » Sat May 20, 2006 10:19 am

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
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Post by De_Fault » Sat May 20, 2006 11:08 am

peyote huh? that would explain alot...

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Post by PHatHome666 » Sat May 20, 2006 12:08 pm

Wow you took your time to type all of that, was it worth it making fun of Megor? And even Jesus thinks AA was a total douche 8)
Wait... what?
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Post by Bitchy » Sat May 20, 2006 12:34 pm

"The Cap'n came back... he just wouldn't stay away ... "

I wonder if anyone else is old enough to get this allusion.

:D

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Post by Captain_Obvious » Sat May 20, 2006 1:02 pm

Bitchy wrote:"The Cap'n came back... he just wouldn't stay away ... "

I wonder if anyone else is old enough to get this allusion.

:D
I hope so, because I titled the thread that for exactly that reason. :P

Back in the day they used to show an awesome cartoon that went along with the song.
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZSe ... ame%20back

An Irish drinking song version: :roflmao:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZSt ... i=97352340
You and the Cap'n make it happen!

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dede
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Post by dede » Sat May 20, 2006 1:11 pm

Bitchy wrote:"The Cap'n came back... he just wouldn't stay away ... "

I wonder if anyone else is old enough to get this allusion.

:D
yes Bitchy I was feeling ok until u just reminded me of my age :cry: :shock: :biggrin:
day or not I'll be there:)

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Post by CraigManOwns » Sat May 20, 2006 2:58 pm

LOL im to lazy to read that but i know the real reason why you changed back and I know that im now known ask TheGreatSage
HI [email protected]

CraigMan :minigun: CO
CraigMan :minigun: SK
CraigMan :rock: [email protected]
CraigMan :rock: Dooper
CraigMan :rock: Ricksaw
CraigMan got a Monster Kill!!!
CraigMan is Godlike
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Post by PIECER » Sat May 20, 2006 5:26 pm

Wow what a great writer you are CO!! Im impressed :P Welcome back captain obvious to eternal fraggin! :wave:

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Post by Bitchy » Sat May 20, 2006 5:52 pm

dede wrote:yes Bitchy I was feeling ok until u just reminded me of my age :cry: :shock: :biggrin:
My pleasure... After all... misery loves company.

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Post by Bitchy » Sat May 20, 2006 5:52 pm

CraigManOwns wrote:LOL im to lazy to read
Like any of us didn't already know that.

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Post by smantie » Sat May 20, 2006 7:07 pm

That's not even a true story.


Jesus plays UT and he told me you tried to teamkill him. You teamkilling fucktard. Who tries to teamkill Jesus?


Actually, to be honest I tried twice. 50% ain't a bad number to have...
Go Alucard, go go Go!

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Post by pinkbandit » Sun May 21, 2006 3:29 am

:roflmao: Hahaa nice dream CO! I knew you wouldn't stay away if i made enuff fuss!! :roll: Welcome back CO :wave: :love2:
Oh BTW what's peyote? :?
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Post by Captain_Obvious » Sun May 21, 2006 11:30 am

pinkbandit wrote:Oh BTW what's peyote? :?
It's a cactus that makes you hallucinate. :shock:
You and the Cap'n make it happen!

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Post by special_Kare » Sun May 21, 2006 11:40 am

Captain_Obvious wrote:
pinkbandit wrote:Oh BTW what's peyote? :?
It's a cactus that makes you hallucinate. :shock:
alot :shock:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
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Post by Captain_Obvious » Sun May 21, 2006 11:52 am

special_Kare wrote:alot :shock:
Judging by my story, I'd agree with this statement. :shock:
You and the Cap'n make it happen!

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Post by PHatHome666 » Sun May 21, 2006 1:08 pm

Judgeing by these 2, they could be hallucinating right as we speak...
*sees CO and SK making out* :shock: :o :shock:
Wait... what?
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Post by pinkbandit » Sun May 21, 2006 2:18 pm

Captain_Obvious wrote:
special_Kare wrote:alot :shock:
Judging by my story, I'd agree with this statement. :shock:
:shock: Oh? Sounds good :o LOL
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Post by Lorus » Fri May 26, 2006 4:01 am

But the Captain came back the very next day,
The Captain came back, we thought he was a goner
But the Captain came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive…” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?”

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dede
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Post by dede » Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:45 am

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
day or not I'll be there:)

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Re: The Cap'n Came Back!

Post by LD8242 » Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:35 am

booo! we want Admiral Awesome!
i5 [email protected], 24gb 1600mhz ddr3, 8gb RX480

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Re: The Cap'n Came Back!

Post by Captain_Obvious » Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:56 pm

rofl! Thanks for bumping this thread back up. I'd almost forgotten about it. Those were the days... :P
You and the Cap'n make it happen!

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Re: The Cap'n Came Back!

Post by PHatHome666 » Sun Nov 16, 2008 1:01 pm

Yeah, I miss those days :|
Wait... what?
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Re: The Cap'n Came Back!

Post by pinkbandit » Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:18 pm

Captain_Obvious wrote:rofl! Thanks for bumping this thread back up. I'd almost forgotten about it. Those were the days... :P
:shock: OMG Hobo! :kiss: You are alive after all!
8) :D
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