The Cap'n Came Back!
- Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
The Cap'n Came Back!
Hi all,
It's me, Captain Obvious. You might know me as the {qoou} Champion of Insta Jailbreak.
Twelve long days ago, I was playing UT peacefully by myself, when suddenly I was swallowed whole by a creature resembling the Mon Calamari.
"It's a trap!" I cried, as the creature devoured me.
But it was too late. I spent long hours inside my captor's wretched belly, slowly being digested. I managed to stay alive by feeding on tiny bits of squid which it had swallowed. I also fashioned a small hammock out of the creature's intestines and stomach lining.
I passed the time by watching the first four seasons of 24 on DVD, but to my astonishment, shortly after doing so I realized that four days had passed, and I should probably start thinking of a way to get out. It was then that I remembered that I always play UT with a lightsaber attached to my belt. (in preparation for the unlikely event that I might ever be swallowed by the Mon Calamari.) I pulled out my trusty saber and used it to cut through the belly, killing the beast, and allowing me to crawl to freedom. But now I had a new problem. I was trapped inside some sort of ice cave, with no way to get out. Having no other choice, I climbed back inside the Mon Calimari's warm body in hopes that I could preserve my body temperature.
About 3 minutes later, a friend of mine opened the ice cave door to grab a beer. He asked me what the hell I was doing in there and what was with the dead Mon Calamari, so I told him the whole story, after which he closed the door and went on his way. I had to find a way out of this ice cave.
After watching some more 24, I remembered the light saber, and got to work cutting my way through the cave. Unfortunately while turning it on, I had the saber pointed the wrong way and I impaled myself.
I died in that ice cave, but no less than 4 minutes later, I found myself sitting at the side of Jesus Christ - the one and only. I asked Jesus, "Jesus, why did I have to die like this? I was supposed to go out in a fiery crash while cruising at 120 mph in my RSX."
Jesus replied "Ahhh yes my son. That's how I died, but I had my people change the story to make me sound more humble."
"But Jesus, after you died, you rose from the dead. How can I be like you, Aslan, and Samara from The Ring, so that I may too rise from the dead?"
"Alas, it is not that simple my son. The only way for you to rise from the dead is to put the testicles of a newt into Megor's drink when he's not looking, and get him to drink it. Here... I always carry newt testicles in my back pocket... don't ask why."
After Jesus handed me the newt balls, I reconnected to Earth, and typed 'ghost' into the console, allowing me to fly down to Megor's house. I carefully placed the testicles into Megor's nightly White Zinfandel, and Jesus and I watched with joy as Megor sloshed them around in his mouth with a grin on his face, unaware of the horror that awaited his stomach.
Jesus and I high fived each other, and we both started to walk away from each other. Then Jesus suddenly turned around and said "Hey kid. Thanks." and he proceeded to toss me a folded up piece of paper.
Later that day, I woke up in the hospital. Rickshaw was there. He explained that I had eaten too much Peyote, that I'd locked myself in the freezer, and that I'd pulled an entire catfish over my head, & scrawled the letters 'AA' into it.
I was amazed. "So you mean I was high on peyote that whole time?!?" I yelled. "You mean that Jesus, the Mon Calamari, ice caves, and 24 on DVD are all fake?!?"
"That's right" said Rickshaw. "Boy were you wasted."
As I left the hospital and headed back home, reality sunk in. My entire adventure was just my crazy imagination at work. Boy was I sad.
I was about to eat more peyote to forget about my troubles, when I noticed an enormous bulge in my pocket. It was my penis. But then I remembered the folded up paper that Jesus had tossed me. I quickly pulled the note out of my other pocket, unfolded it, and began to read...
"Hey CO. I made up the whole newt testicle thing, I just wanted to get back at Megor for tower sniping and then running back to get more health every time I delivered him 3 damage. I really just brought you back to life because Admiral Awesome is a total douche. ~ Love, Jesus"
The End.
It's me, Captain Obvious. You might know me as the {qoou} Champion of Insta Jailbreak.
Twelve long days ago, I was playing UT peacefully by myself, when suddenly I was swallowed whole by a creature resembling the Mon Calamari.
"It's a trap!" I cried, as the creature devoured me.
But it was too late. I spent long hours inside my captor's wretched belly, slowly being digested. I managed to stay alive by feeding on tiny bits of squid which it had swallowed. I also fashioned a small hammock out of the creature's intestines and stomach lining.
I passed the time by watching the first four seasons of 24 on DVD, but to my astonishment, shortly after doing so I realized that four days had passed, and I should probably start thinking of a way to get out. It was then that I remembered that I always play UT with a lightsaber attached to my belt. (in preparation for the unlikely event that I might ever be swallowed by the Mon Calamari.) I pulled out my trusty saber and used it to cut through the belly, killing the beast, and allowing me to crawl to freedom. But now I had a new problem. I was trapped inside some sort of ice cave, with no way to get out. Having no other choice, I climbed back inside the Mon Calimari's warm body in hopes that I could preserve my body temperature.
About 3 minutes later, a friend of mine opened the ice cave door to grab a beer. He asked me what the hell I was doing in there and what was with the dead Mon Calamari, so I told him the whole story, after which he closed the door and went on his way. I had to find a way out of this ice cave.
After watching some more 24, I remembered the light saber, and got to work cutting my way through the cave. Unfortunately while turning it on, I had the saber pointed the wrong way and I impaled myself.
I died in that ice cave, but no less than 4 minutes later, I found myself sitting at the side of Jesus Christ - the one and only. I asked Jesus, "Jesus, why did I have to die like this? I was supposed to go out in a fiery crash while cruising at 120 mph in my RSX."
Jesus replied "Ahhh yes my son. That's how I died, but I had my people change the story to make me sound more humble."
"But Jesus, after you died, you rose from the dead. How can I be like you, Aslan, and Samara from The Ring, so that I may too rise from the dead?"
"Alas, it is not that simple my son. The only way for you to rise from the dead is to put the testicles of a newt into Megor's drink when he's not looking, and get him to drink it. Here... I always carry newt testicles in my back pocket... don't ask why."
After Jesus handed me the newt balls, I reconnected to Earth, and typed 'ghost' into the console, allowing me to fly down to Megor's house. I carefully placed the testicles into Megor's nightly White Zinfandel, and Jesus and I watched with joy as Megor sloshed them around in his mouth with a grin on his face, unaware of the horror that awaited his stomach.
Jesus and I high fived each other, and we both started to walk away from each other. Then Jesus suddenly turned around and said "Hey kid. Thanks." and he proceeded to toss me a folded up piece of paper.
Later that day, I woke up in the hospital. Rickshaw was there. He explained that I had eaten too much Peyote, that I'd locked myself in the freezer, and that I'd pulled an entire catfish over my head, & scrawled the letters 'AA' into it.
I was amazed. "So you mean I was high on peyote that whole time?!?" I yelled. "You mean that Jesus, the Mon Calamari, ice caves, and 24 on DVD are all fake?!?"
"That's right" said Rickshaw. "Boy were you wasted."
As I left the hospital and headed back home, reality sunk in. My entire adventure was just my crazy imagination at work. Boy was I sad.
I was about to eat more peyote to forget about my troubles, when I noticed an enormous bulge in my pocket. It was my penis. But then I remembered the folded up paper that Jesus had tossed me. I quickly pulled the note out of my other pocket, unfolded it, and began to read...
"Hey CO. I made up the whole newt testicle thing, I just wanted to get back at Megor for tower sniping and then running back to get more health every time I delivered him 3 damage. I really just brought you back to life because Admiral Awesome is a total douche. ~ Love, Jesus"
The End.
You and the Cap'n make it happen!
- special_Kare
- Server Admin
- Posts: 2591
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 10:54 pm
- Location: Philadelphia,PA
-
- Script Kiddie
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 7:50 pm
- Favorite Weapon: Ripper
- Location: Downingtown, PA
- Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
I hope so, because I titled the thread that for exactly that reason.Bitchy wrote:"The Cap'n came back... he just wouldn't stay away ... "
I wonder if anyone else is old enough to get this allusion.
Back in the day they used to show an awesome cartoon that went along with the song.
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZSe ... ame%20back
An Irish drinking song version:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZSt ... i=97352340
You and the Cap'n make it happen!
- CraigManOwns
- Fragger
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 6:53 pm
- Location: Rancho Cucamonga, CA
- smantie
- 1337 H4X0R XTREME
- Posts: 1287
- Joined: Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:13 pm
- Favorite Weapon: Rox / Sniper
- Location: BOSTON
- Contact:
That's not even a true story.
Jesus plays UT and he told me you tried to teamkill him. You teamkilling fucktard. Who tries to teamkill Jesus?
Actually, to be honest I tried twice. 50% ain't a bad number to have...
Jesus plays UT and he told me you tried to teamkill him. You teamkilling fucktard. Who tries to teamkill Jesus?
Actually, to be honest I tried twice. 50% ain't a bad number to have...
Go Alucard, go go Go!
{qoou}Smantie | ~dzz~Batman! | [-L-]Smantz! | =[NWA]=Elif4zagg!n | [ADC]endgegnerrr | =[SveK]=Tensta! | A*Team|Hannibal
{qoou}Smantie | ~dzz~Batman! | [-L-]Smantz! | =[NWA]=Elif4zagg!n | [ADC]endgegnerrr | =[SveK]=Tensta! | A*Team|Hannibal
- pinkbandit
- {qoou}
- Posts: 1357
- Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:11 pm
- Location: Far away from LD!
- Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
- special_Kare
- Server Admin
- Posts: 2591
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 10:54 pm
- Location: Philadelphia,PA
- Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
-
- Script Kiddie
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 7:50 pm
- Favorite Weapon: Ripper
- Location: Downingtown, PA
- pinkbandit
- {qoou}
- Posts: 1357
- Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:11 pm
- Location: Far away from LD!
But the Captain came back the very next day,
The Captain came back, we thought he was a goner
But the Captain came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
The Captain came back, we thought he was a goner
But the Captain came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive…†And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?â€
-
- Noob
- Posts: 2473
- Joined: Sun Jun 13, 2004 12:56 am
- Favorite Weapon: shemale porn
- Location: England
- Contact:
Re: The Cap'n Came Back!
booo! we want Admiral Awesome!
- Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
Re: The Cap'n Came Back!
rofl! Thanks for bumping this thread back up. I'd almost forgotten about it. Those were the days...
You and the Cap'n make it happen!
-
- Script Kiddie
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 7:50 pm
- Favorite Weapon: Ripper
- Location: Downingtown, PA
Re: The Cap'n Came Back!
Yeah, I miss those days
- pinkbandit
- {qoou}
- Posts: 1357
- Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:11 pm
- Location: Far away from LD!
Re: The Cap'n Came Back!
OMG Hobo! You are alive after all!Captain_Obvious wrote:rofl! Thanks for bumping this thread back up. I'd almost forgotten about it. Those were the days...