1ST SCENE
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their little son.
Daddy: Oh !! You Bitch!!
Mommy: What?? You Bastard!
Son: Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up something.
Daddy: It means Ladies and Gentlemen, son.
Son: Oh I see!!
2nd SCENE
The little son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the papers.
Son: Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, Mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: "It means coats and hats, son"
Son" Oh I see!!
3rd SCENE
Daddy was shaving his beard and the son passed by the toilet, suddenly, Daddy cut himself and screamed?.
Daddy: Oh s hit!!
Son: Daddy, what's s hit?
At this moment, Daddy's eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say:
Daddy: "It means shaving cream, son".
Son: Oh I see!!
4th SCENE
Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said?
Mommy: Oh f uck!
Son: Mommy, what's f uck?
At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: "It means stuffing, son.
Son: Oh I see!!
5th SCENE
It's Christmas eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all his uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly he said?
"Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are busy at the moment.
You see, Daddy is putting s hit on his face upstairs and Mommy is f ucking the turkey in the kitchen, but don't worry, they'll be out here in a minute!
Everyone fainted ...!!!
JOKES
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Wolverine
- Site Admin
- Posts: 430
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:07 am
- Location: New Delhi, India
- Contact:
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO NEW YORK
(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna New York to bigga hotel.
Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand .
I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better not piss onna plate,
you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock.
I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel
and there is no s hits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna s hit.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand.
I wanna s hit on my bed.
He say you better not s hit onna bed,
you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma
bitch.
I go to the checkout
and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too,
you sonna ma bitch,
I gonna back to
(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna New York to bigga hotel.
Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand .
I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better not piss onna plate,
you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock.
I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel
and there is no s hits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna s hit.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand.
I wanna s hit on my bed.
He say you better not s hit onna bed,
you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma
bitch.
I go to the checkout
and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too,
you sonna ma bitch,
I gonna back to
-
Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
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Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
One day two very old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?"
The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."
The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like to buy some condoms please."
The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied,
I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?"
The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."
The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like to buy some condoms please."
The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied,
I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel.
You and the Cap'n make it happen!
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special_Kare
- Server Admin
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- Location: Philadelphia,PA
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Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
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- Contact:
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Wolverine
- Site Admin
- Posts: 430
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:07 am
- Location: New Delhi, India
- Contact:
A stranger was seated next to Little Timmy on the
plane when the stranger turned to the Little Timmy
and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Timmy, who had just opened his book, closed
it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you
like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Timmy. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question
first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Timmy, "How is it that you
feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
========================== ====================================================
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared or the answer.....
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly
woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state .Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a
very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she
knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
plane when the stranger turned to the Little Timmy
and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Timmy, who had just opened his book, closed
it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you
like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Timmy. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question
first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Timmy, "How is it that you
feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
========================== ====================================================
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared or the answer.....
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly
woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state .Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a
very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she
knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
-
Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
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Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
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{qoou}DOS
- Spamola King
- Posts: 1986
- Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2004 2:32 am
- Location: Pennsylvania {suburbs}
heres a good one
a boy and his grandfather were on a fishing trip. while they were fishing the grandfather pulls a beer out of the cooler. the little boy asks his grandfather if he can have a sip. "can your dick touch your ass?" replies the grandfather. "no" says the little boy. "then you cant have any" says the grandfather. a few minutes pass and the grandfather pulls out a cigar. again the boy asks for some. can your dick touch your ass asks the grandfather. no replies the boy. then you cant have any replies the grandfather. a few more minutes pass and the little boy pulls out a cookie. Can i have a bite of that cookie asks the grandfather. can your dick touch your ass asks the little boy. yes says the grandfather. then go fu<k yourself says the boy. 
Nicaragua, better than Wisconsin
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Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.
Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.
Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.
Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer stammered, "Yes... but they lie!!!"
Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.
Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.
Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer stammered, "Yes... but they lie!!!"
You and the Cap'n make it happen!
-
{qoou}DOS
- Spamola King
- Posts: 1986
- Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2004 2:32 am
- Location: Pennsylvania {suburbs}
--------Superman -------
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his gourd, thought to himself, 'Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat.
The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his gourd, thought to himself, 'Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat.
The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
Nicaragua, better than Wisconsin
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Captain_Obvious
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2819
- Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:36 am
- Favorite Weapon: Impact Hammer!
- Location: Mazon, AS
- Contact:
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Wolverine
- Site Admin
- Posts: 430
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:07 am
- Location: New Delhi, India
- Contact:
CORPORATE LESSONS
CORPORATE LESSON # 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing
over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she
says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel
that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her
for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but
excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband
asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say
anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he
stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely
leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself
to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from
her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm
129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm
129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you
might miss great opportunities!
CORPORATE LESSON #3
Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally
play football; the middle level managers are more interested in
tennis and the top management usually has a preference for Golf.
FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Self explanatory....
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this
thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned
the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper
disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows
everything.
CORPORATE LESSON # 5
There were these 4 guys, Russian President Putin, Germany's
Chancellor Kohl, Pakistan Dictator Musharraf and French Premiere
Chirac who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him
out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I
will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and
jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then
your wish will come true." The French Premiere Chirac wanted to
start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool
immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy
swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian President
Putin turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed
himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and
shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last
is Pakistan's Musharraf. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.
CORPORATE LESSON # 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing
over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she
says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel
that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her
for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but
excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband
asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say
anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he
stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely
leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself
to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from
her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm
129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm
129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you
might miss great opportunities!
CORPORATE LESSON #3
Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally
play football; the middle level managers are more interested in
tennis and the top management usually has a preference for Golf.
FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Self explanatory....
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this
thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned
the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper
disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows
everything.
CORPORATE LESSON # 5
There were these 4 guys, Russian President Putin, Germany's
Chancellor Kohl, Pakistan Dictator Musharraf and French Premiere
Chirac who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him
out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I
will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and
jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then
your wish will come true." The French Premiere Chirac wanted to
start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool
immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy
swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian President
Putin turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed
himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and
shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last
is Pakistan's Musharraf. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.
-
Wolverine
- Site Admin
- Posts: 430
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:07 am
- Location: New Delhi, India
- Contact:
Another one...
Dog Named ...
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."
Dog Named ...
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."
-
Captain_Obvious
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Pulled Over
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking, officer."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking, officer."
You and the Cap'n make it happen!