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1.After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush lets the kids ask questions.

"How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?" asks one boy.

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they'll continue afterward. Half an hour later the kids come back in.

"Where were we?" says George. "Oh, yes?does anyone want to ask me anything?"

A different boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, lastly, where the hell is Billy?"
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2.A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With all the restraint he could muster, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.

"You know you're right," He said, "It feels just like your wife's ass."

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?'"

Only one word leapt to mind?

"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?

Hand-Me-Down

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How'd you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Good to the Last Drop
A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, "But, sir, it's just a sperm bank!"

"Open it now!" he demands.

She opens the vault, and it's full of test tube samples.

"Take one and drink it," says the guy.

"But it's sperm!" she pleads.

"Do it!"

So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well," he continues.

The nurse does as she's told.

Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It's her husband! "See?" he says. "Was it that bad?

that last on was a bit old

Copying and pasting jokes from joke sites to get your post count up, nice idea

thx DOS

YEEHAW!!

You know i have to fight dirty with you LD!!

here's one for the Maple syrup's=

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

DOS_Junkie wrote:YEEHAW!!

You know i have to fight dirty with you LD!!

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Thx DOS!